Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!
Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!
Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg in your card.
Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami! Twins!
Flight Instructions
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
CONTINENTAL AIRLINES
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
BRITISH AIRWAYS
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
QANTAS AIRWAYS
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
NORTHWEST AIRLINES
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
PHILIPPINE AIR LINES
We're now preparing to land at
Sa wikang atin po, tayo po ay papalapag na sa paliparang pangkalawakang internasyonal ng
-----
Inosente na batang matalino
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Neelam was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy, after a moment "Legs."
Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot
of heat and excitement?
Boy: Firetruck
Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use
Boy: Fork
Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
CALL CENTER CONVERSATION
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”
Caller: ”Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Operator: “What sort of trouble?”
Operator: “Went away?”
Caller: ”They disappeared”
Caller: ”Nothing.”
Operator: “Nothing?”
Caller: ”It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Caller: ”How do I tell?”
Operator: “Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen??”
Caller: ”What’s a sea-prompt?”
Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
Caller: ”There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when its on ? ”
Caller: “I don’t know.”
Operator: ”Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”
Caller: ”Yes, I think so.”
Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: ”Yes, it is.”
Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: ”Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Caller: “Okay, here it is.”
Operator: ”Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Caller: “I can’t reach.”
Operator: ”OK. Well, can you see if it is?”
Caller: “No.”
Operator: ”Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Caller: “Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”
Operator: ”Dark?”
Caller: “Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Caller: “I can’t.”
Operator: ”No? Why not?”
Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”
Operator: “A power …. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”
Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Caller: ”Really? Is it that bad?”
Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Caller: ”Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Operator: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”
Mga Payo ng mga Magulang ( ng kapitbahay ko )
Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil ng payo na naikuwento ng kalaro ko, kaya heto, aking ise-share sa inyo:
1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
DONE. "Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Grabe kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay. "Kapag 'yang mantsa 'di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"
3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC. "Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."
4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC. "Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine."
5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng
IRONY. "Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM. "Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!!"
7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA. "Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos yang lahat ng pagkain mo!"
8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER. "Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"
9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol
10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag-iinarte na parang Nanay mo!
"11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS.
"Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong masamang ugali!"
12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin
ng GRATITUDE. "Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?"
13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION. "Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"
14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng
RECEIVING. "May palo ka sa akin pagdating natin sa bahay!"
15. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR. "Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"
16. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay
kung ano ang JUSTICE. "Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak maging katulad mo at magiging pasakit din sa ulo!"
-----
BILL GATES RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe.
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room.
One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if
I stay. I'll give it a try'
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than 100
people may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have
nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500
people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?' So he stays in the room.
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to
leave. 498 people leave the room.
MARIO says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other
candidate.
Everyone else has gone.
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two
candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a
conversation together in that language.'
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says `Ano ba yan, dong?'
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko ba, pare!'
-----
CIVILIZED
IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Zamunda."
IDOT: "Zamunda?"
BONI: "
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"
ABOUT EGGS
Limang klase ng egg preservation?
Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan.
Maitim: century egg.
Mabuhok: balut iyan.
Mabaho: bugok iyan.
MRS: Lolokohin ko mister ko.
Magpapanggap akong pick-up girl ako.
Pagkita kay Mister: Hi Pogi! AVAILABLE ako
ngayon....
MR: Ayoko sa yo!! Kamukha mo misis ko!!
NAGBAGO NA
Nagbalikbayan ang mister ni Mona.
MONA: Honey, ang mga sigarilyo ba'y para sa kamag-anak natin?
RAMON: OO. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo, nagbago na ako.
MONA: Itong mga alak, sa kamag-anak rin natin?
RAMON: Oo, hindi na ako umiinom, nagbago na ako.
MONA: Siguro itong make-up kits para sa akin.
RAMON: Hoy bruha, para sa akin 'yan. Di ba sabi ko, nagbago na ako.
-----
LOTTO
HUSBAND: (SHOUTING!) Honey, mag-empake ka na,
nanalo ako sa lotto.
WIFE: Wow! Anong dadalhin ko?
HUSBAND: Wala akong pakialam, basta lumayas ka na!
AGAW-BUHAY
Nakaupo sa tabi ng kanyang asawang agaw-buhay si Juan. Hawak hawak niya ang kamay nito at nararamdaman ni Juan na hindi na magtatagal at babawian na ng buhay ang kanyang asawa.
"Juan, bago ako mamatay, mayroon akong gustong ipagtapat sa iyo."
"Mahal, huwag ka ng magsalita at makakasama pa sa iyo."
"Pero Juan, kailangan talagang malaman mo na........"
"Sssshhhh, kung ano man iyon ay hindi na mahalaga, ang importante ay nasa tabi mo ako sa huling sandali mo rito sa mundo."
"Juan, nais kong ipagtapat sa iyo na pinagtaksilan kita, sana ay patawarin mo ako."
"Alam ko iyon, kaya nga kita NILASON eh."
-----
son: DAD, nagpatattoo ako
dad: wow!! ang anak ko, macho talaga!!
son: (habang tinuturo ang nakataas na kilay) pantay ba?
-----
TIM: Naholdap ako, muntik na akong mapatay!
ROB: Bakit di ka humingi ng tulong?
TIM: Nag-text naman ako sa pulis, kaya lang reply nila......"HU U? WER DID U GET DIS NUMBER?"
-----
Nagkaroon ng exam ang agencies ng
NYPD
FBI
CIA
PNP = Pilipinas (Special International Guest Participant)
Isang puting rabbit ang papakawalan sa isang gubat. Each agency will be given three (3) months to find the rabbit.
Unang grupong contestant, NYPD.
Pumasok sa gubat ang kanilang search and rescue squad, SWAT, at pinalibutan ng mga police ang buong gubat. Ipinasok rin nila sa gubat ang kanilang detectives, at experts sa paghahanap ng nawawala.
After 3 months, lumabas ang NYPD sa gubat.
Nag release sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of intensive search for the white rabbit, we regret to inform you that because the rabbit had a head start, it was able to elude our units, and was able to pass through our dragnet. The rabbit has escaped."
Next ang FBI.
Pumasok rin sa gubat mga FBI, dala dala ang mga helicopters, mga sniffing dogs, at sari saring experts para hanapin ang rabbit.
After 3 months, lumabas ang FBI sa gubat.
Nag release rin sila ng press statement, "After 3 months of finding the white rabbit, we had some interesting leads. However, as we were closing in on its location, somebody must have tipped it off, and it was able to elude us by disguising as a deer. The rabbit has escaped."
Next ang CIA.
Pumasok ang CIA, at dahil meron silang special powers to request assistance from the US Military, dinala na rin nila ang US Army para tulungan sila sa paghanap.
After 3 months of firefight, bombing, and special operations, lumabas ang CIA sa gubat.
Sabi nila sa press statement, "We used everything at our disposal. We didn't leave any stone unturned. We bombed everything in sight. I'm sure, you will not find any rabbit there anymore. He's probably scattered all around the forest in tiny little pieces!"
Last, but not least, the PNP.
Napatawa ang ibang agencies dahil ang pumasok lang sa gubat na PNP ay
Pero laking gulat na lang nila dahil next day mismo, lumabas ang PNP, dala dala ay isang grizzly bear, na naka posas, bugbog sarado ang mukha, halos sarado ang isang mata dahil sa bugbog, duguan, at sumisigaw, "OO NA! OO NA!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!! AKO ANG WHITE RABBIT!!!"
3 boys at the mall:
BOY 1: Shucks! ang cute nung girl.
BOY 2: Sexy pa! Grabeh..
BOY 3: Sino? Yung Naka-mini skirt?
tawagin ko ha...
KUYAAAH!!!
-----
Two men drinking:
MAN1: Pre, baket hanggang ngayon, wla ka pa ring juwa? tingnan mo ako, nakakailan na. Wala ka bang natitipuhan?
MAN2: (blushed) Meron.. Manhid ka lang kasi eh.
-----
More men drinking...
MAN1: Pare, pinapili ako ng misis ko e. kaibigan o pag-ibig
MAN2: So, pinili mo kaibigan, kaya ka nadito?
MAN1: Hindi, pare! Pag-ibig. I love you, Pare!
DOC 1: I'm feeling guilty, I had an affair with my patient.
DOC 2: Relax! it happens often in our profession!
DOC 1: Anong relax?... beterinaryo ako!
-----
Speaker: Who among you had an affair with a ghost?
a Man raises his hand
Speaker: Oh, great. Would you share with us your affair with a ghost?
Man: Ay! ghost ba? Akala ko goat!
Baby lamok: Mommy pwede ba ako manuod ng concert? pls....
Mommy lamok: Ok pwede anak. basta ingat ka sa palakpak....
PEDRO: galing aq sa doktor. nakabili n q ng hearing aid! grabeeee!!! ang linaw na nang pandinig ko!!
JUAN: talaga...? magkano bili mo??
PEDRO: kahapon lang.......
------
BF: bumili aq ng 3 tickets sa isang concert.. cgurado magiging masaya gabi naten...
BF: isa sa tatay mo, isa sa nanay mo, at isa sa kuya mo... sa concert sila. sa bahay tayo!
end
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